I don't usually arrange sex via text message
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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