is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
