recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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