I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
