i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
