i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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