I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
this just has baby written all over it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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