Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
