piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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