Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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