Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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