Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
