am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.