Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
