I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
