a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i drank out of a bidet.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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