if you like me you must not know who I am
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
