If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
