she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
God I need to hump something, right now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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