I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
