If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
