I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
