We got so high we made milksteak
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
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Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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