Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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