Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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