I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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