I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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