you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
