I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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