Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
