Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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