I hope mine doesn't look like that
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
