You smell like stripper and shame
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
