Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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