do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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