Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
