We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
only you would photoshop your dick
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
