Jerry, you need to find god
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
