sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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