im about as happy as oj after his trial
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
