I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This is classic penis vs brain.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
