i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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