R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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