I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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