she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
