I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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