I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
