I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
