if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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