Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
