All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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