I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
