she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
