I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
