I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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