if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
