I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
