stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
